Are You a Lover of Life?

Last week, we began exploring the four essential archetypes that inspired my foundation: Mother, lover, warrior, and sage. Today, let's continue this series with the Lover archetype.

 

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”

– Hellen Keller

 

The word “lover” brings to mind a variety of emotionally stirring and erotic images: Couples locked in sensual embraces, first kisses at wedding ceremonies, torrid affairs, famous sex symbols like Marilyn Monroe or Megan Fox or Cindy Crawford. But even these ideas can be teased apart into different categories. 

Attraction and desire drive many relationships, keeping them healthy and lively, and sensual love is a key element of human existence. Although other animals may mate for life, they do so for the sake of producing offspring and keeping their species alive and thriving. People may pair up and choose not to have children, and many sexual acts are committed out of lust instead of a desire to procreate. Sensuality is an essential characteristic of the Lover, and one that is universally recognized.

And, of course, romantic love is another defining aspect of the lover archetype. Countless poems and songs, books and movies have been written about the power of love and the yearnings of the heart. While sexual attraction and romantic love often go hand-in-hand, pre-teens who haven't blossomed and octogenarians who have left lovemaking behind can still experience the surges of emotion that accompany emotional love. The sweeping sentiments of romantic love inspire artists, spark relationships, and transform people's lives on a daily basis.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
– Mother Teresa

But sensual and romantic love are just two aspects of the Lover. The most well-known, to be sure, but they are merely part of the bigger picture. Just like the Mother, the Lover is a multi-faceted archetype.

Love for others is something we're all encouraged to feel and express, but love for ourselves is more complex. Caring for our families, putting others' needs first, and acting selflessly are all widely praised. But many of us forget that unless we care for ourselves, we cannot fully love others. Think of the little speech flight attendants give before take-off: “In case of emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” The Lover must love herself first in order to replenish her energetic stores, she must care for herself so that her heart can expand and her love can grow.

Now think of Mother Teresa—a mother figure, for sure, who devoted her life to caring for others. But she also exemplified love because she was a true and ardent lover of humanity who encouraged everyone she met to foster and spread love. Mother Teresa is about as far-removed from Megan Fox as you can get, yet they both channel the Lover archetype in their own ways.

In addition to the beautiful quote above, she also said: “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” This woman was a lover through and through.

While researching my new book, Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife, I spoke with dozens of women who had to re-define their roles as lovers when their spouses returned home wounded. The emotional and sexual lives of these couples were turned upside-down, and many felt they were rebuilding from scratch. Finding ways to be intimate when one partner's body has been drastically altered can be frustrating and challenging. But these women tapped their inner Lovers, and found ways to make sex exciting and love fulfilling once more.

And, of course, we don’t just love one person, or one family, or one self. We love life. We love art. We love travel and nature and the big, beautiful world in which we live. We all deserve to love our own lives. So ask yourself, who are the people who bring out your playful, spirited, sensual self? And perhaps more importantly, are you spending enough time with these people? We become what we see, so who are you seeing on a regular basis?

 

I hope you'll tap your own inner Lover by choosing to share time with people who let you be playful and joyous in your own love affair with life.

 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Building Resilience: 5 Ways to Move from Fragility to Strength

Our culture tends to praise survivors. We preach serious respect for people who can live through trauma, loss, or catastrophe, and rightly so. But few of us make the important distinction between living through something and bouncing back from it.A person can live through horrific events, but come out the other side forever scarred and ill-equipped to move on. Think of our valiant veterans who return from combat steeped in post-traumatic stress, altered and traumatized by what they’ve seen and experienced. Those with the coping skills to process intense grief or relentless fear are more likely to truly get over their painful pasts and live fulfilling lives. Luckily, there are ways to build those skills even if you don’t have them in abundance naturally! Here are five expert-endorsed ways to build your internal resilience:

Read the rest on BuzzFeed...

New Book Excerpt: Heroines in the Shadows: The Wives of Wounded Warriors

I can say with absolute certainty that writing my book, Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife, was an honor. I connected with dozens of military spouses who had experienced pain, loss, and incredible upheaval, and was constantly amazed by their willingness to share their stories. They shared generously, frankly, and with the ardent hope of helping other wives to wounded veterans. It was a tremendous privilege to speak with them, and create a book designed to spread the word about their courage, perseverance, and unsung heroism.

I’d like to share the incredible story of one of these women with you now. Fiona attended SPA Day in 2014 and hearing about her experiences brought tears to my eyes. I’m so honored that she generously shared her personal history with me, and thrilled to be able to pass it along to you now. (You'll find a more detailed version of her story in my book.)

*

It was a routine, errand-filled day for Fiona when Patrick called from Afghanistan to tell her that he was heading out on an extensive mission and that she wouldn’t hear from him for a few weeks. When the phone rang at seven-thirty the next morning, she was caring for their four-month-old son, Stevie.

“I saw the call was foreign, but that it wasn’t from Patrick, and I began to worry.”

Her instincts were right. It was marine headquarters, calling to say that Patrick had been injured and would be coming home. That was all the information they gave her.

“I was feeding little Stevie in my arms when I dropped to the ground,” she recalled. “I was staying with my parents at the time, thank God, and my mother came running over to comfort me and help me understand what was going on. That date, July 4, 2012, is engraved on my heart.”

Later that morning, Fiona received a call from Patrick confirming that he’d been injured and was on his way home. As she waited for his return, Fiona found herself thinking back to when she was a freshman and Patrick a junior and they met at a high-school science fair. She was a studious, petite, blond science lover, and he a talkative Filipino baseball player. He watched, enthralled, as Fiona displayed her science project on biomechatronics. Theirs was an attraction of opposites, and they married right after high school in 2009. Then her buff jock joined the marines to serve his country, and she headed off to college to study biology and work as a yoga instructor.

During his time with the marines, Patrick was deployed twice. Fiona found Patrick’s second deployment to be the toughest, even before she received the call about his injuries. Patrick went to Afghanistan in April 2012 for active duty, while Fiona faced the challenges of studying, working, and caring for their son. 

Once Patrick returned to the States, Fiona found herself facing a whole new struggle, fighting and suffering alongside him as he endured numerous painful surgeries to get him to the point where his body could accommodate prosthetic legs. He underwent an amputation of his left leg and salvage interventions to save his lower right leg, battling infections throughout the ordeal.

A year later, after many unsuccessful attempts to save his right leg, Patrick, Fiona, and a team of doctors came to the painful decision to amputate the leg just below the knee. The rehab process Patrick had been through for his left leg would have to start all over again.

“A double amputee! I didn’t know if I could go through more surgeries and amputation while caring for little Stevie,” Fiona recalled. “Some people call this the boomerang effect: just when you think everything is going smoothly, it comes back around and hits you hard. I felt like we were starting all over again. I was finally adjusting to caring for both my husband and our son while studying, and this setback was overwhelming.”

In the face of this staggering array of challenges, they both pushed on. Six months after his second his amputation, Patrick began the journey of learning to walk with two prosthetic legs. Fiona dropped in as often as she could to see his progress and meet with the prosthetist who had made and fitted his artificial legs.

While the physical therapist taught Patrick to walk on his new limbs, Fiona and the prosthetist worked on merging her man with man-made machinery. Fiona was already scientifically inclined, and the biology, neuroscience, mechanics, electronics, and robotics involved in creating effective artificial limbs intrigued her. She wanted to learn more. Seeing Patrick light up as he learned to walk with his new legs inspired her. She decided to learn how to make devices that interact with human muscle and nervous systems, high-tech limbs that would give wounded warriors physical freedom again. She set out to get her master’s degree in prosthetics. Never one to sit on the sidelines, she felt empowered to make a difference in not only her husband’s life, but in the lives of other wounded warriors.

The first day Patrick walked on his own, he was filled with joy. Just that little bit of independence, that little bit of freedom, was enough to get him thinking, “Okay, I have a fighting chance.” Today he tells others that, since that day, he hasn’t “thought about suicide once, and self-medication is a thing of the past.”

At Fiona’s graduation with a master’s in prosthetics-orthotics, Patrick walked up to her on his new legs, one hand holding Stevie’s and the other holding a bouquet of flowers with a card that read, “Congratulations! You’ve taught me—and will now teach others lying wounded in hospital beds—not to get down on themselves in spite of missing a limb. You’ve shown me that life without limbs can be limitless.”

*

It takes courage to chose hope over fear and that’s what the wives of wounded veterans do, day after day. Studies show that people with access to a living support system heal faster and are less affected by PTS, so wives and partners like Fiona not only prevent tragic veteran suicides but also save our health care system millions of dollars. Love is healing source in the world, and it takes courage to love someone who goes to war healthy and vigorous but comes back injured.

And like all of the caring, passionate, brave, wise women I’ve met as I’ve collected their stories, Fiona demonstrates how much strength, resilience, intelligence, and courage it takes to be the woman behind the man, the support system that keeps the wounded veteran going once he’s returned from the battlefield. She is truly leading a hero’s life.

To read more real-life tales of hidden heroes, CLICK HERE and enjoy special pricing for a limited time!

 

Live at Changing Hands, December 7th: Presentation And Booksigning

Live at Changing Hands
7PM Wednesday, December 7th

PRESENTATION AND BOOKSIGNING
BARBARA MCNALLY
WOUNDED WARRIOR, WOUNDED WIFE


The author, physical therapist, and founder of the Barbara McNally Foundation shares her new book, a collection of true stories which provide a look into the chaotic and demanding lives of military spouses as they adjust to living with injured combat veterans. 

GET YOUR BOOK »
Get your copy of Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife in-store at Changing Hands Phoenix or when you order here. We'll send you an email confirmation with more details (usually within 24 hours).

EVENT DETAILS
SEATING opens at 6:30pm.
CAN'T MAKE IT? If you'd like a signed book, please call or order online. We ship to most locations.

ABOUT THE BOOK
Imagine sending your significant other to war and receiving a life-shattering phone call telling you he's been badly injured. What would you do? Out of the 16.9 million caregivers in the United States, 5.6 million are caring for wounded veterans. Most of them are women, thrust into caretaker roles for their husbands who return home with amputated limbs, brain injuries, burns, and disabilities, with virtually no support or training. Post-traumatic stress tears their families apart, and these women must wrestle with huge, imposing questions: Does he still love me? Can I support our family? How will this affect my kids, my love life, my happiness? 

Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife is a collection of true stories, inspired by the voices of women at SPA Day (Support, Purpose, Appreciation), a now nationwide event, created by the Barbara McNally Foundation for military wives to restore and rejuvenate while enjoying the fellowship of other wives struggling with the same challenges. The book builds on the strength of women like Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth whose heroic story lights a positive, healing path for the indomitable human spirit while informing the recent political discourse about improving the plight of veterans, with timely and significant insight into the realities of injured veterans, including health care, but also minority and gender issues. More »
 

5 Easy Ways for Caregivers to De-stress

The winter holidays are coming up fast – can you believe it?! And that means many of us are bracing for one of the most joyous and stressful times of year. This is especially true for those of you who are caregivers. Gift-buying and the associated financial strain, family gatherings with their trying dynamics, and coordinating multiple schedules around dozens of events is even more taxing if most of your energy goes toward helping an ill or injured loved-one. When your role within your family is that of a caregiver, ordinary stress is automatically doubled.

Reducing stress is tricky because each of us does it differently. There's no one-method-fits-all way to ease tension or minimize worry. But there are also a variety of techniques and ideas for de-stressing that aren't widely known and may appeal to some of you who are grappling with a heavy load. So with that in mind, here are some easy, effective ways to lessen your anxiety and tension as a caregiver.

  1. Connect with other caregivers – in person or online
    Stress experienced in isolation feels so much more burdensome than stress that is shared and discussed with truly understanding listeners. Talking with individuals or communities that can sympathize with your struggles relieves pressure instantly. If you are a caregiver to a wounded warrior, reach out to the Military and Veteran Caregiver Network for online support or Operation Family Caregiver,which offers one-on-one counseling. Hearts of Valor provides support groups and connects families to one another, and the Elizabeth Dole Foundation offers community programs, fellowships, and grants to military caregivers. Caregivers to parents, children, and others can investigate the Family Caregiver Alliance, the Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving, or the Caregiver Action Network.
     
  2. Take a 10-minute walk
    Exercise always pops up as a great way to de-stress … but when you're a caregiver, the very idea of leaving the house for a 40-minute yoga class seems laughable. It's still true, though, that moving your body is incredibly beneficial. So start small: Let yourself take a 10-minute walk around the block every day. You'll boost your endorphins, give yourself a breather from your tasks, and allow some of your stress to float away.
     
  3. Let go of the “shoulds”
    As a caregiver, you undoubtedly have a long list of things you must do each day, and an even longer list of things you “should” do. That second list lurks at the back of your mind, right? Scolding you silently for all the household chores and social niceties you've been shirking. Well, you've been shirking them because you have limited time and energy! You absolutely cannot expect yourself to do everything. Make a list of those “shoulds,” look at it long and hard, then crumple it up and throw it away. Release that guilt and feel its burden lift.
     
  4. Try a pressure point trick
    I'm sure an hour-long massage is just as out-of-the-question as that yoga class … but you've definitely got time for this simple Naam Yoga technique. Psychologist Sharon Melnick, author of Success Under Stress, says applying pressure to a point between your second and third knuckles—near where your finger and hand meet—provides instant release. Slide your thumb down the side of your middle finger until you're just above the final joint. Push in, and breathe.
     
  5. Write it out
    Connecting with others is undeniably effective at relieving stress, but it's not always possible. And it's not always what caregivers want or need. But keeping pressure and anxiety bottled up inside can have nasty consequences. So consider journaling. Every morning or evening is best, since keeping to a schedule makes it more likely that you'll commit to the process, but even writing about your feelings sporadically can help. Be honest, be brutal, write down the things that are weighing on you. The act of putting thoughts into words has helped people release stress for millennia. It may seem like a small act, but it can be incredibly beneficial to modern-day caregivers, too.

Let's keep this discussion going! What de-stressing techniques have worked for YOU? What would you add to this list? Any links or resources to share?

5 Reasons Why Gratitude is Essential to Good Health

I know, I know, gratitude posts are a dime a dozen this time of year! But there's good reason for that: Many of us whiz through our lives at top speed, never pausing to breathe, consider, and give thanks for everything that's going right. The Thanksgiving holiday gives our entire country access to a gigantic, shared pause button. And while I agree that all the “be grateful!” messages can get a little shout-y at times, I also think it's essential that we absorb them so we can tap into that positive, thankful mindset.

Still need convincing? Here are 5 compelling, mind-body reasons why gratitude can impact your health and well-being.

1.     Gratitude helps you sleep better

A recent article in “Dr. Oz the Good Life” cited a study done by Robert Emmons, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of California Davis. In it, people with neuromuscular disorders were asked to create gratitude journals, listing out the things they were thankful for each night. The study found that after just three weeks, they were able to sleep longer and felt more refreshed on waking. This practice will work for anyone since focusing on aspects of your life that inspire gratitude helps push away negative thoughts and worries that might disrupt your slumber.

2.     Gratitude makes you more resilient
Dr. Emmons also wrote a book titled Gratitude Works! And in it he says, "A grateful stance toward life is relatively immune to both fortune and misfortune." In other words, when we are attuned to the good in life and open to seeing positive aspects of negative situations, we're able to bounce back more quickly from loss and trauma.

3.     Gratitude improves your physical health in measurable ways
Sounds like a stretch, right? Studies cited in “Real Simple” magazine state that gratitude practices have been associated with improved kidney function, reduced blood-pressure, diminishedstress-hormone levels, and a stronger heart. Pretty amazing, if you ask me! Experts have stated that they believe the link between gratitude and good health is related to self-care. People who feel lucky and blessed tend to appreciate their health more than others, and that appreciation leads them to take better care of themselves. They avoid excesses and self-destructive behaviors, exercise more, and sleep longer.

4.     Gratitude boosts your self-esteem
Gratitude practices don't just help you appreciate your situation in life, they build your confidence. In 2014, the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology published a study stating that focusing on gratitude increased self-esteem in athletes. (Without self-confidence, athletes struggle to reach optimal performance.) Other studies cited in this Forbes article have shown that gratitude helps people stop making harmful social comparisons. When we're buoyed by thankfulness, we're able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments without getting bogged down by jealousy.

5.     Gratitude makes you less impulsive
In one study, researchers asked people to recall an event that made them feel grateful and write about it for five minutes. Afterwards, they exhibited better impulse control, especially around spending decisions. If you're grappling with money issues, force yourself to stop and think of something or someone you appreciate. Doing so will likely help you be more measured in your decisions. Good to know with all those Black Friday sales on the horizon!

Do you have gratitude practices that help you focus on the positive in your life? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

Heroes in the Shadows: Family Caregivers Keep Our Nation Strong

My work at SPA Day events and on my book, Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife, has connected me to some seriously tough, courageous, and admirably selfless caregivers. In my nine years working with the wives and spouses of wounded war veterans, I've come to admire the way these individuals persevere in the face of obstacles and meet struggle with strength. So I was pleased when I read Ann Brenoff's recent piece for the Huffington Post titled, “Why Family Caregivers Are This Nation’s Unsung Heroes.” Brenoff's husband experienced unexpected kidney issues earlier this year. She describes the day he collapsed as, “my inglorious initiation into the ranks of the nation’s 34 million unpaid family caregivers.”

And actually, her statistics are a little outdated. According to Caregiver.org, there are currently 43.5 MILLION unpaid family caregivers in the United States alone.

Just think about that for a moment. 43.5 million people spend a huge portion of their time and energy helping a sick or injured loved one with grooming, daily living, or medical tasks. 43.5 million people support the doctors, nurses, and therapists who treat their loved ones by keeping them on track, healthy, and protected. 43.5 million people do this difficult, taxing, complex work for free.

So I couldn't agree more with Brenoff's assessment that America's caregivers are our unsung heroes. She says, “We live in a system where the caregiving responsibilities that once fell squarely in the realm of nurses and professionals are now thrust on unwitting spouses and adult children with absolutely no consideration of the impact on their well-being ― or even the extent of their ability to perform these tasks.” My experiences interviewing wives for my book supports this statement. So many caregivers feel ill-equipped to take on these weighty responsibilities. But they do it anyway. Because they must, and because no one else will.

Brenoff also points out that many caregivers must quit their day jobs to help their loved ones full-time. Not only does this create an immediate financial burden for families, but also it means caregivers will have a tougher time come retirement. Less money goes into Social Security for them to withdraw at the end of their careers, and less goes into 401Ks and IRAs. Many of these families are already struggling to make ends meet, covering some medications and equipment out of pocket, battling with insurance companies or the VA over costs. Their financial futures can seem daunting and dim.

I created SPA Day to give military family caregivers a break. A little time away from their duties, and a breather from the endless tasks and stress of supporting a disabled spouse. But this event is kept intentionally small, and also tailored to the wives of wounded war veterans. We cannot offer solace to all 43.5 million American caregivers, much as I wish we could.

November is National Family Caregivers Month. I hope you'll take time this month to reach out to the caregivers you know. Offer them help with errands, give a free night of babysitting so they can relax a bit, remind them that you're always there to listen. Family caregivers bear a heavy burden. Anything we can do to lighten that load will be met with relieved gratitude. 

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